Better off this way
by MadeOfGlitter
Summary: It was suppose to be simple. It always is. Adommy oneshot


This is a oneshot from Tommy's point of view, inspired by a couple of books that I read a while ago :)

I apologize for my poor grammar, I'm sure there are some mistakes that I haven't noticed, but bear with me guys. :P

And a HUGE thank you to my best friend Dora (Glamgeeak on twitter). She's always helping me when I'm stuck, she's always promoting my stories, she's just amazing. I love you bb :)

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><p>My breathing was getting deeper, heavier and louder. Little drops of sweat were dripping of my nose and chin, and I was shaking. None of this is suppose to be happening, it never does. I was trained not to feel like this in these kind of situations. I was trained not to feel in general. I don't know why this is happening. <em>He <em>is doing this to me. He's ruining me. It was suppose to be simple. It always is. You don't feel, you don't think, you don't care, you just do, you follow your instincts. I wish it isn't him. I wish somebody else got this target. I wish this simple mission isn't that hard for me, it's too much memories involved, too much thinking, too much feeling, too much caring. I thought I'm never going to see him again, not after he left six months ago, and now I wish I never have to see him again. But here I am, in his hotel room, waiting to see him for the very last time.

I've been waiting here for an hour and 26 minutes. Normally that's nothing, sometimes I wait for my target twice as long or even more. I do nothing and just wait, without thinking about anything, my whole mind and body are focused on my target. And when I see them, and estimate that it's safe enough to go after them, they're dead before I even blink.

An hour and 28 minutes.

"You're not bringing a gun Thomas, it's not safe." , they said. Ain't safe my ass. We've had guns with us in public places before, hell even shotguns, and yet targets were dead and their bodies removed before anyone would even notice something happened. It's how it works. Simple, planned out, and no witnesses. And I'm in a hotel now, there's no way that a gun would be a problem. All I have now is a knife. A fucking knife. And I'm 99% sure that Adam's got a gun or some shit. Maybe it's just a test. They probably know about me and Adam, after all they know everything. If I manage to complete my mission in this conditions, things stay the way they are. And if I don't... Then I just wasn't good enough, so nobody will miss me anyway.

God. one hour and 31 minute. Where the fuck is he?

The hotel walls are thin, thinner than I assumed. Mistake number one: I assumed something. I could hear people going up and down the stairs. Every time I hear somebody's footsteps coming closer to Adam's hotel room I twitch, and clench my fists tighter until my knuckles turn white, my nails dig deeper into my skin. Then I relax when people pass the door. I'm way to nervous, when I was trained and programmed not to be. What is going on?

Do not feel. Kill.

The doors started unlocking. Adam's here. The plan was simple. He starts walking through the small hallway towards the couch, like he always did when we lived together. He doesn't make it to the couch though, because he has a long, sharp knife stabbed in his back and an arm wrapped strongly around his neck. Then I let the team know my exact location and then go home carefree, and Adam Lambert never existed. Simple.

Adam turned on the weak light in the hallway and started walking slowly. He was taking small and careful steps, which made me think that maybe he knows somebody is here, waiting for him. I was getting more and more scared. Terrified actually. All I could see was his long shadow on the floor approaching me. This is the first time I'll see him in 6 months, and no matter how it ends, definitely the last. Seconds seemed like minutes, the time passed by slower than ever. The shadow on the floor stopped moving. Before I blinked it was gone, and his arms were around my neck, his face so close to mine I could feel his hot familiar breath on my ear. He's taller then me, so my feet were barely touching the ground, it was getting too hard to breathe.

„Who are you?" He whispered in my ear and tightened his arm around my neck. From the day he left I hoped that someday I'll be in his arms again, and this is not how I imagined it. „Aw, you forgot all about me already?" I somehow managed to choke out. His grip on my neck suddenly eased up and I wiggled out of his embrace. I could see multiple expressions exchanging on his face through the darkness: surprise, confusion, realization, and finally determination to kill. Well isn't he just happy to see me.

He was always gentle with me. Even when we were fighting, which was rare, he never actually yelled, and he never got violent. This time was different. He knew why I was here, and he knew only one of us is getting out of this alive. Dramatic, yes, but it is how it is. He was working against me, against us, against fucking everybody, and there will be consequences. When he found out that we're working against each other, he said he's going to the nearby store and never came back. Six months later I found out why. Another mistake: I trusted somebody besides myself.

He tried to punch me in the face, but I was faster. I tilted back and managed to avoid his fist, then tackled him to the ground. He may be bigger, but I'm as strong as he is. I put my forearm on his neck and pressed all my weight on his throat. "So did you get that milk?" I asked. I think he laughed at that, but it came out more as a choke caused by the lack of oxygen that human body needs so much.

Suddenly Adam somehow pushed me off himself and grabbed my wrists. Before I even realized what was happening I was on my back, with my arms pinned to the floor above my head and Adam on top of me. With one hand he took the knife out of my jacket, I have no idea how he knew it was there. I didn't protest. I couldn't. I haven't realized exactly how much I missed him until now. His touches, his kissed, his hugs, his whole presence. Right now, he could kill me for all I care. He has a knife in his hands and a stupid, helpless me under him. But he threw the knife aside. Knowing him, probably just to make it fair.

"You know I left for your own good." He asked, although it sounded more like a statement then a question. Our faces were so close, and our noses were almost touching. This is what I missed so much; just being close to him, this comfortable familiar feeling, it makes me feel so safe, even now when he needs me dead. He doesn't want me dead; he just needs me dead if he wants to have any chance of surviving. But if I fail at my mission, they'll just send somebody else; we need him dead to. He can't hide from us, it's impossible. But anyway, one of us will end up dead, if not both.

If I kill him, I go home and forget all about this, like nothing happened. If he kills me, he'll end up dead at the end anyway, I give him maximum 7 days before they find him. And if none of us kills anybody today, we'll both definitely end up dead. That's why I can't fail. Either I kill, or I get killed. There's no alternative, no compromise. And we're both aware of that. But we can't forget our past, everything we went through together, all the time we spend together, how we use to dream about our future and thought we're gonna get old together. But soon none of this will matter. No one will remember. No one will care. And that's what got me mad.

"You didn't left for my own good, you left to save your sorry little ass!" I hissed in his face angrily. I know it's not what happened, but it was hard to admit the truth. It's like if I say it out loud, it all becomes real. It's easier to be mad at him for no reason than to cry because of something you can't change. It's just my way of dealing with everything, by getting angry.

I'm not pissed at Adam because he left, I'm pissed because he never let me know that he's okay. He never let me know that he isn't hurt, he never let me know that he's even alive. He just disappeared, and I didn't know why until a couple of days ago. And we were doing so well, I thought we're going to be together forever...

Adam sighed and looked away, focusing his eyes on something in the dark, something other than me. He couldn't look me in the eyes for some reason, while I couldn't take mine off his perfectly symmetrical face. I used to spend so many time just staring at his freckles, counting them over and over again. Now I could only make out a couple of the bigger ones because of the dark. I watched Adam's lips carefully as he talked. "You know how it goes Tommy. You know how things are. You know I had to go, fuck, Tommy..." He finally managed to look at me, his eyes cold. They didn't give out much, all I could see was pain, hurt, regret, only in traces...

Does he regret everything? Is this why it's so hard for him to look me in the eyes? Because he thinks it was all just a big mistake, a waste of time? "I loved you Tommy. I still do. I always will. But it doesn't matter. It's wrong, what they say, love can't beat everything, it's useless. It's too late now, we can't go back, it's all over now. Just don't be mad, I'm sorry..." He ended in a whisper.

We just lied there in silence, maybe for hours, maybe for only a part of a second, who can tell? He pressed his soft, freckled lips to mine, and I went completely limp beneath him. The kiss was so sweet, familiar, warm. Is this our last kiss? I don't want it to end, I can't end. It shouldn't suppose to be like this, it shouldn't suppose to be like this.

Seconds, minutes, hours, so irrelevant, comparing to the infinity, so unsubstantial.

Adam pulled away and let go of my hands. He stood up and pulled me with him. He turned his back to me, searching for something in the dark. After he took a couple of steps I couldn't see what he was doing anymore, his back were turned to me, and it was dark. Finally he turned around, holding something in his right hand, I could only guess what it is. God his eyes are so beautiful, shining even in the darkness...

That's it. I don't even want to try to talk him out of this. I should've seen it coming, after all everybody wants to fight for their life. Right now, not me. Who knows, maybe they will never find him, maybe he will live after all, maybe I won't die for nothing.

I closed my eyes. „I'm sorry..." He repeated. I was prepared for the pure hot lead to pierce a hole in my chest, maybe in my head, I was prepared for my last heartbeat, I was prepared for the last seconds of my life.

Bam.

They said that when you're dying, you don't actually feel anything. You go completely numb, and you don't feel the pain. Well I do feel something, sharp pain devastating my chest. Why am I still standing?

I opened my eyes slowly, carefully. I didn't see Adam right away. I wish I didn't see anything at all. I looked down, seeing the fresh blood soaking the carpet. „Adam, what did you do..." I asked, although I knew I won't get an answer from his lifeless body on the floor, although I knew exactly what he did.

He blew his head off. Because of me.

_I came closer and knelt next to him. He looked so beautiful, even dead. His freckles were still there. His blue, but now closed eyes were still there. His plump, kissable lips were still there. His black, soft hair was still there. A bullet in his head didn't change him one bit. _

_Except his freckles weren't the same color anymore. Except his eyes weren't looking at me full of love anymore. Except there's no point in kissing those lips, they can't kiss back anymore. Except part of his black hair was covered in crimson liquid. There's a fucking bullet in his head._

_I picked up the gun from the floor. The gun was beautiful. I always wanted one like that. But it doesn't matter anymore what I once wanted. It's gone now, it's all gone with him. _

_I put my hand in his, intertwining my long fingers with his, for the last time, so that maybe we will hold hands forever. _

_The gun was in my hand now, my index finger on the trigger. The gun barrel was pressed against my temple so hard, I was pretty sure it's gonna leave a bruise. Haha. See what I did there? There's not going to be a bruise, because there will be a hole in my temple.. Get it?_

_It wasn't me anymore. My body was empty, I wasn't there. I was lying on the sand, with my fingers intertwined with his, on the most beautiful beach I've ever seen. He's smiling. He's telling me he loves me and how he's never going to leave me. He wouldn't lie, would he? _

_We are alone, just the two of us and the sea. I get up and pull Adam with me. I drag him to the water. He protested and said it was cold, but it wasn't, it wasn't cold. He laughed. „C'mon, lets go under water together." He said and didn't leave me any time to answer, he was already under water. I couldn't see him. Where did he go? I could hear his laugh all around me. I started turning around, but I couldn't see anything. Only dark. _

_Somebody pulled the trigger. Bam. _

Someone's gonna be here soon, there's no way nobody heard the gunshot. I paged the team my location, they should be here in a couple of minutes, they always amaze me how fast and efficient they are.

I didn't bother giving Adam a second look. Mission is completed, target is dead. I'm not needed here anymore.

I don't feel anything. Maybe sense of accomplishment, although I didn't kill him myself, but nobody cares as long as he's dead. But besides that, I don't feel anything. I don't care about anything. I'm not thinking about anything. I'm not shaking, I'm not sweating, I'm not nervous. Just like it was suppose to be.


End file.
